Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
