I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
