WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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