I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
