I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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