just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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