Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
