420 ftw
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
