You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
