you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
