took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
