i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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