the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
