I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
