My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
