u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
