can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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