Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
