new low.... made out with someone while peeing
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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