so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
