Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
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