She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
