If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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