She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
