Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize