My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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