New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
