it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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