she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
