You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Michael Bay diarrhea
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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