I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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