I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
