everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
