onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
