omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
