either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
