Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
