Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize