Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
