and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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