I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
