The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
