he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just pee around me
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
