I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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