i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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