and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
