How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
