Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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