Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
babies were throwing up all over the place
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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