just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
