after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
