I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
