I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
