I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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