Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
this is an emotional support booty call
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
