we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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