No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
