in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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