sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
