dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
