I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
