remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
