They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
