You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
