Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
