Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
