we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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