he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
