my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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